quelquefois

I try not to let the small things get me down. Well, let me be specific. I try not to let people I become emotionally involved with (and/or attached to) get me down when whatever we had disintegrates (often quick and hard). To say the least, it’s been quite a year for me in that field. In fact, I believe I advocated for the idea of women to act more like stereotypical men. Isn’t it ironic that I failed at the whole emotionally attached part?

Nevertheless, despite my ambitions, I still think about the complexities, paradoxes, and contradictions of my most recent escapade. How can you tell me we were moving too fast when twenty-four hours ago you were asking, “Are you on birth control?” Then, you advocate for taking a step back. Sure, sounds great, I agree, let’s do it. Then come the rules: no kissing, no touching, no this, no that. The next time we saw each other, we didn’t even hug. How’s that for toying with your emotions? Thoughts like these continue to bog me down, right when I least need this emotional burden.

Unfortunately, when I’m upset, I also shut down. I never get to voice my concerns because I don’t say what I feel when I feel it. I’m one of those “I-just-hung-up-after-an-important-interview-and-remembered-everything-I-was-supposed-to-say” types of people. Prying words out of me can be compared to pulling the sword out of the stone, except without that magic asshole named Arthur who pulls it out. Maybe one day when a magic asshole can pull the sword from the stone with me, I’ll know he’s the one. Unless he’s like 12-years-old and/or the future King of England (what can I say, the royal life just isn’t for me, though it’d make a great reality TV show).

I know the world won’t end. Maybe I used this situation as an excuse both justify a good cry and tell myself that I am ready to graduate and move on. While many others in this emotional state vow to never let a man take advantage of them again, shun all men as pigs, blah blah blah, I won’t. Does your swearing off men do anything to change their behavior? No, it just means they’re going to be fucking someone else.

Here’s to letting go and smiling again.