While many societies promote equal political and social rights for women (China being one of them), it’s rare to see it fully implemented in practice. This entry is about when I’ve received some sort of discrimination based on my gender at the pool. I don’t have any specific conclusions or policy recommendations; this is just a story of my life in China.

When I was studying in Harbin last year, I often went to Heilongjiang University’s pool. Every time I went, I stuck out as one of the fastest swimmers in the pool. I befriended the lifeguards there, who welcomed my presence every time with a smile and a wave. One lifeguard, ? (Li), in his late 40s, single, would often swim with me and race me. He always tried to invite me out to another pool he worked at during his off days from Heilongjiang University, though due to the distance and time constraints, I never made it out.

In order to let him know when I’d be heading to the pool (we became swimming partners), he took my mobile number. Sometimes I received texts that were written to be mass forwarded to friends–ones that wished health and happiness, success in life, and happy holidays. Eventually, he asked me to have a meal with him. I agreed, seeing no problem–friends have meals together, too. We dined, and afterward he insisted he show me his shabby apartment, adorned with tacky posters and trinkets collected from his many years in Harbin. He had a medal and trophy case, for the many times he’s won swim races. We took a photo together and I left. Simple as that.

At one point, he started telling me he loved me, that he wish he could be with me, lamenting the age difference being the only barrier to our being together. I cut off communications then. And then that’s when he would call and text nonstop. I felt sorry for ??, but never responded. How did the concept of friendship become “love” so fast?

*    *    *

Once I moved to Beijing, I got a gym membership and spent most of my gym time in the pool. Again, the lifeguards immediately noticed me, smiled whenever I came, asked me how I was, and suggested workouts for me. Then, over time, one lifeguard, ?? (Laotian), would introduce me to other swimmers.

One time, a swimmer, ? (Wang), and I had a conversation:

Him: ?????????????????I am scared of immigrating to the U.S., because I am scared of discrimination against me because I am Chinese.
Me: ??????????????????????????????????????????????????But this is unavoidable. Regardless of what country you live in, society is not completely equal, you will face discrimination in some respect (be it social status, your profession, your gender, etc).
Him: ??????????????????????????????????I am happy to live in China because I am not discriminated against. You shouldn’t have any problem here either, right?

I went on to tell him that, in fact, China is a very discriminating place. He did not believe me, so I started giving examples. First, I told him that if I don’t speak Chinese absolutely fluently, I can be marked as an outsider, a non-Chinese. Secondly, I told him that if I were not a woman, but a man, that swam like I did in the pool, he would not have even noticed me. And that’s not even touching on the many other ways women and foreigners are discriminated against in China. His eyes showed a glimpse of understanding, though he never conceded to my argument.

*    *    *

While the topic of “discrimination” is worthy of many posts and debates, how it has affected me personally led me to wonder whether I would have gone without this sort of attention if I were male. I wouldn’t be watched and pointed out to every time I swam when the lifeguard(s) I knew were on duty. I wouldn’t have to defend my right to ride a red and black road bike as opposed to the low bar, pastel-colored, single-gear bikes. Any male friend who swam well has never gotten the kind of attention I have, but is that a result of Chinese females being less forward and confrontational? Are men better swimmers than most women?

Is the attention negative? Never. These men have all been incredibly nice and well-meaning. However, their professions of love, the fact that I cannot swim in peace, and the need to worry about how to turn someone that I might have to see every day down is more than I bargained for when I signed up for the gym.

Him: ????????????????. Is your American friend still out of town? Your roommate.
Me: ??Yes.
Him: ?????????????????????????????I have friends visiting and staying with me, so it’s a little cramped for space, can I stay at your place tonight? Is that convenient for you?
Me: ????What??
Him: ??????????Is it convenient to spend the night at your place?
Me: ????No, it’s not convenient.

Why do you [Chinese] men think that’s okay? Why do you have to use sneaky tactics like calling me from another phone number? Isn’t it clear that when I don’t pick up your calls, I don’t want to speak to you? Why do you have to be a creeper and ask me if my roommate is home? If your friends are there to see you, why don’t you spend time with them instead of trying to spend the night elsewhere? You brought it onto yourself inviting more friends than your apartment can handle. Deal with it.

Cabbie: How old are you?
Me: 23.
Cabbie: And you’re not married yet?
Me: I don’t even have a boyfriend.
Cabbie: You don’t even have a boyfriend?!? I think it’s time you put less focus on your work life and focus on finding a husband and settling down. You should let the man take care of everything, then you can stay home and relax. How great would that be?
Me: Actually….
Cabbie: [continues to ramble on about men being breadwinners, women being homemakers]

Cabbie: You know why women would be bad doctors? Because they’re too emotional. Let me give you an example. A woman has breast cancer, goes into a woman doctor. This woman doctor may think to herself, “I want to let this woman keep as much of her womanly features as she can, because I know it is important to her identity as a woman. Thus, I’ll try to remove as little breast tissue as I can.” Men? They’re pragmatic. They think, “Cancer is bad, I will remove any remnant of cancer, regardless of what it takes.” Then just slice off everything. See? Then you never know, cancer may just come right back if a women operated.

Actually, I should have titled it “Being Lectured by a Misogynist Nanjing Cabbie,” because I didn’t really converse with him. It was more him talking at me than with me.

She screamed at me, and later told me that her legs were shaking for me, because she knows that something like that could actually happen. Last year, I did something similar, when I told her that I joined the Army and would be deployed to Iraq after I graduate. I know, it’s cruel. I’ll think of something less nerve racking next year, even though she told me she wouldn’t fall for anything next year. We’ll see.

But my mom made a good point the following day: that things like this are possible. It was a stark reminder to indeed watch out for what I say and write.

Man: Wow, people who speak English! (then he looks at me) Both of you!
Jules: Yeah, where are you from?
Man: I’m from New York. (directed at Jules) China is great, isn’t it?

Then he proceeds to look at me as if he was saying, “Your country is great!”

I hate that all white people in China think you can’t speak English. And if that isn’t enough, Chinese people don’t believe I speak English well (nor do they think I speak Chinese well enough, either).

Where do I belong in China? Where do I belong in the world?

Another woman was waiting to grab some toilet paper. She looked at me with astonishment and said, “What is she doing with all that toilet paper? Is she going to eat it?”

Well, it was funny to me at the time…

He first started talking to me after I gave Yang my mobile number. He said, “Hi! I do not mean to disturb you. You may not know who I am, but you remain fresh in my memory (????)! Can we be friends?” and “I am Yang’s friend, I also work at Pingod. I’ve seen you a few times, but you don’t know me! You gave Yang a brownie to give me, do you remember? Although I was able to eat it, I was not able to see you!” We continued to text each other, though sometimes it would be hard to maintain a conversation, as I know what he does every day from 3 p.m. to 11 p.m., and know that he doesn’t go far when he isn’t working.

* * *

One day I went out with him to get noodles and he told me his personal story.

His mother first married a taxi driver and had two daughters with him. Her first husband left her after he had an affair with a mistress. Wang’s mother kept one daughter and the other one went with the father. After a while, ahe remarried and had two more sons, one of which was Wang Zhiqiang. Wang’s father died when he was 8 from lung disease. At the age of 8, there was no one to make money in the house or ??? (laborforce, manpower) so he and his brother (then 11) worked in the fields instead of going to school (though at one point he had finished middle school).

After a few years passed, a friend told Wang’s mother that there was a man whose wife left him for another man. He was looking for a new wife. Wang’s mother asked her children if it was okay that she marry him. They agreed, and she moved out. A year later, Wang’s sister married and moved out. Wang and his brother had the home to themselves, and couldn’t make enough money with the crops, and had to sell their cows and soybeans. They had nothing left, so they decided to go out and find opportunities elsewhere.

Wang has, since he left, worked in factories making pants, been a waiter, worked at the front desk of a hotel, been a guard at a ski resort, and now, at 21-years-old, a guard at our apartment complex.

Wang watching fireworks

Wang and Yang playing with fireworks

He’s a sensitive and caring person, but naive beyond all hell. But it’s hard for a man like that to grow emotionally when, at such a young age, he had to take on such responsibilities and forgo living a child’s life. I am unsure of whether he has ever had a girlfriend, which is probably why he took on to liking me so suddently. While, I applaud his bravery in taking the initiative to speak to me when we first met, and tell me his feelings as our friendship developed, the reasons are too many why we aren’t more than friends.

* * *

Just as I thought I would still have a friend at Pingod, Wang told me on Thursday that he may be leaving soon, too. A new group of guards-in-training arrived at the apartment complex this past week, and apparently they’re there to take over all of the current guards, who will then be placed in other security jobs across Beijing.

I asked him what he thought about the change, and he said he was ready and welcoming of it. The situation that he’s in is truly despicable, and he hopes that things will improve with change. (Sounds like he just endured 8 years of George W. Bush). I wish him happiness as he transitions to his new job, and hope that he and I will continue to be friends.

Yesterday, he texted me and asked me to forget we ever knew each other. Later that night, he said he felt like our relationship had suddenly changed back to being strangers. He started to speak to me condescendingly, “Is what I’m saying so profound that you cannot understand what I am trying to tell you?” Then, as if we were all of a sudden equals again, says “all banquets come to an end,” and that he wants to “end the banquet earlier,” so leaving won’t be as hard, so he wouldn’t feel ???? (unwilling to part).

It was a weird way to terminate a relationship with someone, and I learned the lesson of being more careful when making friends. I don’t know how willing I will be in the future to put myself out there for people like this. I just hope that I made his life happier, a little more bearable while he worked at Pingod. Maybe one day he will appreciate what Julia and I did for him.