Please do not lean against and touch pieces of artwork in museums. Seriously? Come on. Do you have any respect? Would you want to spend months/years on a report and then have some person piss all over it? Yeah, that’s what it’s like.
The culprits
Sincerely,
Girl who would kick your ass if you touched her artwork
To the fellow who searched
neon yellow post nasal drip
and found my website, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Perhaps you have an infection? Good luck.
Best wishes,
Chang
Thanks for the $100 USD as prize money for the best photograph this semester.
Sincerely,
The “abstract” artist
Don’t tell me you have a photo contest that “should have creative composition” and then once I submit them, tell me that my photos are too “??” (chou1 xiang4, abstract). And don’t go even further and tell me that the winner will have 2 or more students in it. If you told me you wanted Asian-style group photos, you could have just said so, and I wouldn’t have wasted all my time post-processing my photos.
I want all my photos back. You cannot use them as propaganda for your crappy program.
Sincerely,
A artistic girl in an unartistic country
Why, all of a sudden, are so many of you interested in me? In the many times I’ve come to China, I had not spent as much time with Chinese men at all until this fall. But through various interactions with various types of men in the past few months, I think I learned a lot about you.
I understand what the words that come out of your mouths mean. Want to watch a movie? It means you want to make out. Want to drink tea? It means you want to have sex. Want to come see my house? It means you want to have sex. It’s okay for you to cheat on your wife (and your child), because you have money and status symbols such an Audi and a vrooooom gas-guzzling Land Rover. It’s also okay to do anything you want, because you are a man.
You don’t have to get incite a physical fight with another man over me. Don’t bring baristas who work at your cafe along with you for a night of drinking to show your power over other people. And don’t let them do the fighting for you.
Stop being so clingy. You don’t have to call me 40 times a day (literally) and send me text after text. Much less to confirm whether I got your previous text. It does not work when you cry and tell me you love me, you love me, you really really love me. Showing your desperation really just makes me want to play with your emotions (forgive me). And seriously, if you really wanted to see me, you’d find some other way than through the phone.
I’ve had enough of you, kthxbi!
Sincerely,
Girl who needs her space. Really.
I have lived through 22 years of hayfever that God has so graciously granted me. Why do you also have to turn against me when it isn’t hayfever season? I was recently diagnosed by an allergist to have developed an allergy to dust (you know, those ubiquitous, inescapable particles that float around and settle on every living and inanimate thing) in addition to pollen.
After allergy/virus/bacterial infection was diagnosed, I have been asked to take:
a. antibiotics
b. nasal spray
c. antacids
d. antihistamines
e. asthma inhalers
So, if you could please expel whatever you need to expel from your system and let me carry on with my life, I would greatly appreciate it. This can be done very easily without having to react with violent coughing fits, restricted airways, and general shittiness. And please tell Phlegm to stop squatting in my esophagus.
Sincerely,
Girl who probably has a life expectancy of 30-years-old
a.k.a.
Girl who should probably live in an airtight bubble
Okay. I hid all of my chocolate bars and my fancy tea, but last week, I left my Lemon-Lime Orbit out on the desk. I know I gave it a scathing review last week, but if I paid $1.50 for these 14 pieces, I am going to chew every nauseating 10.7¢ piece. So, when I come back from a weekend (much like two weeks ago), I didn’t expect 6 pieces to be gone. What the fuck? When did you need to eat 500 pieces of gum? Usually you take one, and you leave.
Thanks, fuckhead. But guess what? There won’t be any more freeloading off me–I’m peacing out of this office on Thursday.
Sincerely,
Going to cut your balls off Jesse-Jackson-style
Please grace my life with a Golden Retriever.
Sincerely,
The girl who only knows “want”
There’s speculation that you will not be performing on August 6 at the last stop of the Glow in the Dark Tour. If this happens, I will hunt all of you down and demand a personal performance, even if it is while I sit in a jail cell.
Sincerely,
The girl who just paid too much money to to see you perform