She screamed at me, and later told me that her legs were shaking for me, because she knows that something like that could actually happen. Last year, I did something similar, when I told her that I joined the Army and would be deployed to Iraq after I graduate. I know, it’s cruel. I’ll think of something less nerve racking next year, even though she told me she wouldn’t fall for anything next year. We’ll see.

But my mom made a good point the following day: that things like this are possible. It was a stark reminder to indeed watch out for what I say and write.

I’m tired of waiting.

Really? REALLY?? I spent my entire year slaving over these forty-two thousand one hundred and forty-four words and that’s all you have to say to me? I didn’t even get a “Congratulations” or a call when they received it. Damn, it really hurts.

“[I]t might be enough to show them this article, have a discussion about your concerns and let them know the possibility is there.”

From a young adult to a parent: No. Teenage years are formative years when it is completely acceptable that children a) distance themselves from their parents, and b) do tons of stupid shit. By insinuating that you may be keeping tabs on them, you’re asking for more trouble than it’s worth.

AND Aperture is pre-installed. I love it, I love it, I love it!

I walked through the hallway and my heart stopped. No, her heart. Her heart stopped. Fifi was lying on her bed, head off the bed, flat against the floor. Her eyes were partially opened, staring into the distance. Her mouth cracked open, at some angle it must have even looked like a smile. What gave it away? The pool of saliva that had accumulated under her mouth.

She was still warm.

Thoughts raced through my mind. Should I attempt CPR? Is she just fooling us? How could I have left her? How couldn’t she have said something? Done something? Anything. She showed no signs of impending death.

It is doubtful that she suffered. She lied in the same sleeping position like she always had. I just wish she wasn’t alone, but happy that she had Tina by her side. I know she is in a better place now, still watching for the morsel of food that drops from our chopsticks, still smiling and wagging her tail, still doing the butt shuffle and sitting in luxurious cardboard boxes.

The breeze outside rocked the branches of the willow tree back and forth. The shadows dancing across Fifi’s body almost convinced me that she was still breathing–her chest rising up and down.
R.I.P. Fifi Chang
9 September 1996 – 2 September 2007

Fifi has magnificent white fur with a coffee stain on her back, and tan ears. She became hooked on human food at an early age, which contributed to her weight gain. We have tried to wean her off from it, but any attempt is as poor as the last. She is very well-behaved (save those few occasions when she left a surprise on the carpet). Her demeanor is pleasant–to family, at least. Fifi always smiles when she sees me, and she seems especially happy when I return home from Brown.

Fifi has a Facebook.com account. She is loved by an online community that she does not even know exists. Sometimes, I like to think that Fifi has traveled to exotic locales such as China with me, because her fur is always on my clothing.

My heart burns so much because of what inevitably lies ahead.

I spent my evening researching Fifi’s disease, congestive heart failure, as well as pet euthanasia. I am smothered in sadness and grief, because I cannot do anything. Her heart is 3x its normal size and suffocating her other organs. I regret not noticing earlier signs, among many, many, many other things. Questions are dodging back and forth in my mind about whether or not it is time to let her go. Her quality of life is diminishing rapidly.

I wonder if I will be able to say goodbye to her. I wonder if we will euthanize her before I leave for China on the 7th. If we do not, I wonder if she will live until August 31 (the day I return from China). I am going to miss her so much. I love Fifi.

[edit]
Fifi is much better this morning, thanks to a diuretic and heart medication. We do not know how long she has, but we will try to keep her medicated and happy for as long as possible. Hopefully I will still see her when I come back from China.

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Recently my dad wrote an email:

Dear Amy,

I wish someday we all can go for a vacation or even a short trip together. I even do not care this is far away or close by, as long as we are together not in the home or store. I wish we can close up the store just for a few days and leave everything behind for just a short break. Since I came to this country in 1979 the only vacation was we were on the cruise to the Mexico. We have to work almost everyday (at Shell, Store or Home) seems no ending. Can we all work together to have a Vacation in the near future? We have joint the vacation club many years ago, and have not even use once.

Since Friday 6PM I started the night shift again. This shift will end around 04/24? (all depending what is damaged and how soon can be repaired). Like this I can help mom do the delivery during the day. At beginning and the ending period. I have to work 12 hours each shift. in the middle are 10 hours…

Well, they are calling me to do something now… I will write you next time.

Love,

Dad

The email definitely took a tug at my heartstrings. But subsequently, I got very excited. I thought of countries that I’d never been to, and would love to go to. India, Chile, Argentina, Korea… And now that I know what I’m doing this summer, I know that I will be free for a few weeks between May and June, a perfect time to visit some place that is not yet ridiculously hot.

I never got a response from my dad. I called my mom today and asked if we could go somewhere, and I started naming countries. She doesn’t want to go anywhere. Too far this, blah blah that.

I feel so stifled.