quelquefois

Ten days ago I was certain I was going home. I had mentally prepared myself, started allocating things (i.e., throw away versus keep versus donate), and listed things I needed to do before leaving Beijing (yes, going to the Forbidden City for the first time in my life is one of them).

Two days ago I bought my one-way return flight back to China. In the past week or so, I got offered a job that promises professional development and is challenging. So I accepted. Looks like I’m in for another year.

Towards the end of finals this semester, underclassmen and seniors alike continually asked me, “So…how does it feel to be done?” After so many times of hearing that question asked, the default response becomes, “Great!” Or, “Finally!” But now that the underclassmen have gone home, the seniors are partied out from Senior Week, and the words start to flow out of the speakers’ mouths, the feeling of closure really starts to sink in.

It doesn’t really feel great, but it definitely feels good to be done with that routine. At least temporarily. It seems like the consensus among my peers. But at the same time, a lot of people seem unready to cope with this closure. Those who feel that way say, “I’ll see you soon! We don’t have to say goodbye yet.”

If there is a word to describe the past week or so, I think it’d be “rollercoaster.” My life has been a whirlwind of love and spite, laughs and tears, frustration and content–just a huge amalgamation of emotions. I am unspeakably sad, but happy from all the memories created in the past four years. Most importantly, though, I am absolutely ready to move on. I was ready to say some goodbyes, even though I did not say as many as I should have or could have. But I know that those who matter to me most will never be too far, even as I fly off to another country in August.

Speaking of flying to other countries, I got notified earlier on 30 May that I received both a language enhancement award as well as gain acceptance into my study abroad program in the fall for that language award. Things are finally coming together, and before I know it, I’ll be on flying on a jet plane to China!

Tomorrow, I will be completely moving in to my NYC apartment. Having already moved a carload of stuff to the place, I thought that I’d only need to take a bus and a subway to get to my Lower East Side abode. Unfortunately, things started amassing and I realised that I needed to rent a car. Wooosh. That’s the sound of money disappearing from my bank account. Well, regardless of being a huge financial kick in the ass, I am really excited to be living in Manhattan this summer.

When doors close, others open. CSIS is no longer in my plans this summer, but perhaps CFR will want me. I go to New York tomorrow to interview.

It had been three weeks of [mostly] sleepless nights. After hearing from the interviewers that I would be hearing from them within a week, I woke up every morning by 6 a.m. or 8 a.m. to check my Blackberry for any word from them. The thing is, after I’d wake up to find no messages, I would continue to wake up every fifteen to thirty minutes until it was time to get out of bed. Repeat every. single. day. for three weeks. I couldn’t sleep, even if I had just fallen asleep at 5 a.m.

Two and a half weeks later, I call and e-mail one of my interviewers. No response.

Three weeks later, I call another one of my interviewers. No response.

Three and a half weeks later, I get the e-mail. You know, the one that goes, “We are unable to offer you an internship position at this time.” The ones with the apologies: “Let me apologize for the inappropriate delay in getting this information back to you.” The ones with excuses for not being “successful in our efforts to require more room.”

Cross your fingers for me tomorrow…

Oh my god, I want this internship so badly!

All of a sudden it hits me; I’m scared about my uncertain future. Should I break out the McDonald’s job applications?

Maybe next time. At least I made it to first round interviews with one of the world’s best!

One application down, fifty million to go…