quelquefois

I know I’m being entirely pretentious and superficial, but here are some perks I’ve experienced in life that are primarily based on racial traits.

Asian:
1. I do not have to shave a lot. In fact, when I used to teach swim lessons, what little hair I did have was bleached and thus became even less visible. Fantastic! I was also unfamiliar with the term “bikini lines” until someone told me what that actually meant.
2. I have less trouble squeezing through cramped spaces, small crevices, gates, and the like. Suck it 6-footers! You may be better athletes than I am but if a flash mob appeared out of nowhere you’d be stuck like a horse in quicksand.
3. Silky Asian hair.

Non-Asian
1. Being mistaken for hapa (I’m merely an “eighthpa”), and consequently, not considered full-Asian/Chinese looking.
2. High[er] tolerance for alcohol.
3. Longer legs = pants fit moderately better. Moderately because, well, refer to being an “eighthpa.”

Sometimes? I lie. I can never focus. A little over twelve hours ago, I left to go downtown because I couldn’t sit any longer and pretend to do work. By the time I came back, I had decided that I would write my paper. Since then I have done myriad other things, from washing the dishes to checking e-mail to catching up on celebrity gossip (guilty pleasure) to fantasizing about dresses. Even now as I write this entry I have taken at least twelve mini-breaks.

Should we scratch the label “Generation Y” and dub ourselves “Generation ADD?”

I can’t even begin to count the number of distractions readily available at my fingertips, let alone around me in my apartment. It makes me wonder if those who will surpass the undisciplined in the future will be those who can focus long enough to construct a coherent sentence. Sometimes it’s a constant battle with yourself to focus (No! Don’t Wikipedia “horchata” just because). Oh it’s difficult, I know. I know you know that feeling, as well. Every time you hit a lull while writing your response paper it’s a quick click away to that sweet gratuitous feeling of refreshing your “Inbox” to see if any new mail has come in.

None?

Oh, well, why. don’t. we. just. click. a. few. more. times.

Done yet?

One more time.

Okay fine, no new mail. I get it. Now let’s get back to finishing that sent……..

Sometimes I search for connections that are not there. Worry about things I should not be worrying about. Busy my mind with fantasies of sunshine, smiles, frolicking, and a sense of completion. I am desperate for some sort of human connection–some sort of intimate human connection–that I have denied myself for years. Myriad reasons keep me from pursuing it. Fear being the primary reason. Fear of losing my independence, fear of losing my identity, fear of losing focus on what is important to me, fear of being happy and not knowing what to do with myself.

Maybe I just want to have fun, be free-minded, let loose….just without all the baggage.

But there is baggage. So I continue deny it. I deny any butterflies from ever climbing out of their cocoon and reaching my heart, and tell myself (unconvincingly) that I should be happy the way I am. That is where I am and who knows if this is where I will be.

In less than a day I will be on a flight to London! I am very excited to travel to EUROPE and finally experience it firsthand. I believe I have mastered the art of packing lightly (best advice ever: pack what you think you need, then take out half). I have many plans, but I’ve been so stressed out with school that I haven’t really bothered to actually make them a possibility. I still have a few hours, so I suppose I will utilize it.

Recently I have been thinking about how I react to let downs, disappointments, etcetera. I noticed that upon getting angry, stressed, or disappointed, I do wo things. First, I internalize many of the emotions I feel. Second, I try to alienate myself from those feelings to avoid breaking down. That may be why I haven’t had a breakdown in a while. It’s probably not good to ignore your feelings and distance yourself from them, but I feel that it keeps me focused on academics. I should set aside some time and really think about my life and the direction I want to take it–perhaps that will smooth things out.

    I don’t think I can even remember the beginning of this year. Can you believe it? Another year has gone by, and I feel I have grown leaps and bounds, learned more about myself, and learned more about the world around me.

Spring 2006
I was put through emotional and physical hell as I tried to lose weight for crew…then I quit! Phew. It was another satisfying semester for grades. I am disappointed that that is all I remember, but perhaps there wasn’t much more than breakdowns and studying…

Summer 2006
Hot and humid days spent in Providence conducting e-government research, juggling three jobs at one point to make extra money, cleaningcleaningcleaning the apartment, the mistake of adopting doves, being sucked into the common room by the television’s mighty pull, Thursday night clubbing, East Bay Bike Path, and all the rest here…

Fall 2006

    Semester in China–filled with some of the bests and worsts of my college career. Sleepless nights filled with memorization and studying, deteriorating immune system, testing physical limits, food poisoning and subsequent experience with China’s dirtiest hospital, dead hard drive for the millionth time, horrid roommate and her many rendezvouses with that beyond-creepy guy, at one point spending more time with teachers than students, the sexual education paper, (not) adhering to the language pledge, weekends that started on Thursday, the Xinjiang restaurant, him, trying not to make him my only memory, trying to think of any [good] memory that didn’t involve him, traveling: ?????, ???????????…

Resolutions
1. Be happy with myself; and if I am not–make it happen.
2. Continue to look for myself. Question everything.
3. Hold onto that 4.0 mindset.
4. Stay healthy. And remember the value of a good night’s sleep.
5. Do not judge others, be there for them.
6. Keep learning, keep pushing, keep striving for my passions.
7. Don’t lose my love for adventure.
8. Wear sunscreen. Every day.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what is going to happen next.”