quelquefois

Towards the end of finals this semester, underclassmen and seniors alike continually asked me, “So…how does it feel to be done?” After so many times of hearing that question asked, the default response becomes, “Great!” Or, “Finally!” But now that the underclassmen have gone home, the seniors are partied out from Senior Week, and the words start to flow out of the speakers’ mouths, the feeling of closure really starts to sink in.

It doesn’t really feel great, but it definitely feels good to be done with that routine. At least temporarily. It seems like the consensus among my peers. But at the same time, a lot of people seem unready to cope with this closure. Those who feel that way say, “I’ll see you soon! We don’t have to say goodbye yet.”

If there is a word to describe the past week or so, I think it’d be “rollercoaster.” My life has been a whirlwind of love and spite, laughs and tears, frustration and content–just a huge amalgamation of emotions. I am unspeakably sad, but happy from all the memories created in the past four years. Most importantly, though, I am absolutely ready to move on. I was ready to say some goodbyes, even though I did not say as many as I should have or could have. But I know that those who matter to me most will never be too far, even as I fly off to another country in August.

Speaking of flying to other countries, I got notified earlier on 30 May that I received both a language enhancement award as well as gain acceptance into my study abroad program in the fall for that language award. Things are finally coming together, and before I know it, I’ll be on flying on a jet plane to China!

Tomorrow, I will be completely moving in to my NYC apartment. Having already moved a carload of stuff to the place, I thought that I’d only need to take a bus and a subway to get to my Lower East Side abode. Unfortunately, things started amassing and I realised that I needed to rent a car. Wooosh. That’s the sound of money disappearing from my bank account. Well, regardless of being a huge financial kick in the ass, I am really excited to be living in Manhattan this summer.

When doors close, others open. CSIS is no longer in my plans this summer, but perhaps CFR will want me. I go to New York tomorrow to interview.

It had been three weeks of [mostly] sleepless nights. After hearing from the interviewers that I would be hearing from them within a week, I woke up every morning by 6 a.m. or 8 a.m. to check my Blackberry for any word from them. The thing is, after I’d wake up to find no messages, I would continue to wake up every fifteen to thirty minutes until it was time to get out of bed. Repeat every. single. day. for three weeks. I couldn’t sleep, even if I had just fallen asleep at 5 a.m.

Two and a half weeks later, I call and e-mail one of my interviewers. No response.

Three weeks later, I call another one of my interviewers. No response.

Three and a half weeks later, I get the e-mail. You know, the one that goes, “We are unable to offer you an internship position at this time.” The ones with the apologies: “Let me apologize for the inappropriate delay in getting this information back to you.” The ones with excuses for not being “successful in our efforts to require more room.”

Cross your fingers for me tomorrow…

This summer I will be a part of University of Michigan’s Public Policy and International Affairs Fellowship program! I am so excited to be able to pursue something I am genuinely interested in. They will pay for round trip transportation costs, housing, food, supplies, and they will also provide me with a $1,000 stipend! When I pursue a masters degree, they guarantee at least $5,000 towards your graduate education. Some schools even ask you to go to their school!

Recently my dad wrote an email:

Dear Amy,

I wish someday we all can go for a vacation or even a short trip together. I even do not care this is far away or close by, as long as we are together not in the home or store. I wish we can close up the store just for a few days and leave everything behind for just a short break. Since I came to this country in 1979 the only vacation was we were on the cruise to the Mexico. We have to work almost everyday (at Shell, Store or Home) seems no ending. Can we all work together to have a Vacation in the near future? We have joint the vacation club many years ago, and have not even use once.

Since Friday 6PM I started the night shift again. This shift will end around 04/24? (all depending what is damaged and how soon can be repaired). Like this I can help mom do the delivery during the day. At beginning and the ending period. I have to work 12 hours each shift. in the middle are 10 hours…

Well, they are calling me to do something now… I will write you next time.

Love,

Dad

The email definitely took a tug at my heartstrings. But subsequently, I got very excited. I thought of countries that I’d never been to, and would love to go to. India, Chile, Argentina, Korea… And now that I know what I’m doing this summer, I know that I will be free for a few weeks between May and June, a perfect time to visit some place that is not yet ridiculously hot.

I never got a response from my dad. I called my mom today and asked if we could go somewhere, and I started naming countries. She doesn’t want to go anywhere. Too far this, blah blah that.

I feel so stifled.

Summer 2006: No Regrets. I loved every moment.

I spent the majority of my summer in Providence, Rhode Island, working for Professor Darrell West on e-government research. Research, on the whole, was pretty monotonous. If it weren’t for my co-workers, I wouldn’t have made it through the summer. I also worked as a lifeguard at the pool. At one point I was working 12-hour days, conducting independent research, and getting tension headaches, but it only lasted a few weeks.

Sharing a living space with others can definitely incite drama, backstabbing, and pain, but if you learn to look past it and move on, it isn’t as bad in hindsight. I got to spend a lot of time with the girls, going to the beach, hailing taxis in a half-inebriated state to go to clubs, loathing work. Although I don’t know how much I’ll be seeing them when I come back in the spring, I hope they always leave a little space for me in their heart/home.

Highlights of my summer in Providence include: 1) riding down East Bay Bike Path and watching the sunset, 2) my frequent trips to Boston alone, 3) my trip to New York with Mai. We walked everywhere in Manhattan. Only took the subway once from Brooklyn. Times Square for tourist pictures, Grand Central to spend an afternoon in Cortlandt, Chinatown for dimsum, Little Italy for cappuccinos, Bleeker St. for massages and Magnolia cupcakes.

The last few weeks at home were pretty blissful. My parents got me a new car–the 2007 Honda Fit (my baby, which I have yet to name) and I got spend a lot of time with my mom (Dad was working from 2pm to 2am or 6am to 6pm, so I didn’t get to see him much). Who can forget my Bay Area friends? Some of the best people, ever. Failed San Francisco outings (only in the no-reservation, no-guestlist sense), successful San Francisco outings, and getting to know people I’ve never gotten to know before. I managed to squeeze in some good alone time in there as well. Never underestimate how good it feels to be by yourself. I cooked an unbelievable amount, which I found to be stress relieving. But the closer I came to my departure from the states, the less I wanted to leave what I had. But now it’s just more I have to look forward to.

This summer, I found myself constantly conflicted between reservation and impulse. I have the tendency to overanalyze situations. If I did this…this is what would happen; this is what people would think… I think about the effects and outcomes so much that I don’t end up doing anything spectacular, exciting, impulsive. I feel like I am wasting my life making these types of choices. I mean, come on! This is the prime of my youth, the time when I could get away with so much, and all I’m doing is weighing my options and watching the time fly by?

This is my life. I must make the most of it. Summer 2006 is over, but a whole new season awaits (or, at this point, has already started).