quelquefois

I am just about to reach the 150-page mark. I have approximately three completed chapters (of six), one that is almost there, and two blank documents. Of these, none have been revised, and all are desperately crying for revisions, proofreading, and logic.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m doing this. I wonder why I didn’t just do more work earlier (the question that no doubt will plague me for the rest of my life). Last night (night?) I slept at 9 a.m. and woke up at 2 p.m. The night before? 6 a.m. It would make sense just to sleep earlier so I can wake up earlier and continue working, but I often find that it is at 3 and 4 a.m. that I start to get on a roll. This is most likely attributed to my tendency to dilly-dally at the computer until I realise that it’s incredibly late.

I need discipline. Although I cannot bear to go several hours without checking the news, checking my e-mail (I actually turned off all Blackberry message notifications!), fantasizing about jobs, reading photography and design blogs, and posting in my own (oops), I have to abstain from distractions for six days (hey, when it’s put that way, six days is a lot to write….nevermind) until I turn in my first draft.

I want to die. I can’t believe the first draft of my entire thesis is due in 13 days.

Lupe Fiasco is coming to Brown for Spring Weekend! I must be productive all week in thesis revisions so I can par-tay in the sunshine, in fabulous spring dresses, and in a proper mental state.

Walking with a great friend through the Thayer Street bus tunnel at 2 a.m., singing, laughing, and temporarily blocking out the laundry list of tasks I was destined to face at 2:22 a.m.

I stopped logging into Facebook this week (save for the few times when I had to return to turn off my wall, change my notification settings), and will not return until I finish writing my thesis.* It’s disturbing that people like me have to resort to seemingly drastic measures (Oh no! How will I live without my social networking sites???) just to ensure that I can focus. Well, fears of turning into this woman combined with the cumulative time that I have indeed spent on Facebook recently seemed reason enough to take a break.

I have had thoughts of getting rid of my account completely, but a series of thoughts accompanied this one:
1) How will I ever delete it?
2) Oh god, I have like 5 million wall posts to manually delete.
3) Fuck this.

Technology: infinity, Amy: 0

*I do, indeed, have the Facebook application on my Blackberry. I contend that it is used solely for the purpose of responding to messages (as it is some people’s chief means of communication) and that it is in no way similar to the website.

I still cannot believe that I will be home in four days. Ahh, but there is still so much to do here! People to see, things to do, theses (which I have so lovingly nicknamed “feces”) to write. I’ve been holed up in one library or another for the majority of my last two weeks here. It’s not so bad, really. The bright side? I get to see the sunrise every morning. Despite the strands of reds and greens that speckle the white blanket that has covered Providence, I feel pretty isolated from the holiday spirit. My ears have been mute to holiday music (although this is half intentional). I suppose having done no Christmas shopping–let alone even given it a thought–has contributed to this sentiment.

As surprising as it sounds, I have actually grown an affinity for Providence, and I am reluctant to leave it for a month. The reasoning behind this may lie in the fact that whenever I am home, it is only for a maximum of two weeks, and those two weeks are filled with blood-tests-doctor’s-visits-dentist-appointments- haircuts-hectic-hectic-hectic-no-time-for-myself-no-time-for-sleep. Or perhaps I just like modest little Providence.

Not sure if I mentioned this earlier, but I am going back to Europe on January 6! SFO to CDG to BCN to LYS to MIL to FLR to ROM to PVD? Of course it will not all be via aéroplane, and there will be some ground transportation infused in there. I pride myself in being jetset (on a budget, of course). The parents are a little pissed they can never keep me home for longer than fourteen days at a time. While I feel bad for never being home, for now they can just hope that one day, I will settle down.

Today was the first day I ordered a “venti” sized caffeinated drink at Starbucks. I don’t even know why I’ve been drinking Starbucks lattes–they’re pretty shitty. I figured maybe ordering an extra shot of espresso would offset the shittiness that comes with the smaller “tall” size (what’s up with their sizing system, anyway? Do they think they’re superior because they have special terminology for their cup sizes?). Lesson? Starbucks = failure.

I ended up writing about sixty pages of my thesis and turned that in yesterday afternoon. What lies between me and [temporary] academic incarceration is a twenty-five page paper. Wait, I lie. Then I have to write my third thesis chapter before I head home on 24 December.

Lord.

A thesis is one of the most painful academic experiences, ever. I cannot even imagine writing a PhD dissertation right now. I have never had such a prolonged fucked up sleep schedule. I have been sleeping at around 8 in the morning and waking around noon. The most unfortunate part of this story is that one would expect that having devoted so many hours to this endeavor, I would have completed five thesis chapters by now. I have one.

As excruciating as this process is, though, I still love my topic and all of the literature related to it. Chapter Two is in the works; I am currently consolidating all the theoretical and empirical research I have done in the past months…weeks….week (oops). Regardless, I cannot wait until the sense of fulfillment and completeness after presenting my findings in April.

My life is moving at an incredible speed right now. There is so much happening, but definitely not enough time to entertain all the possibilities (nor the fiscal capacity, for that manner).

This past weekend I made a trip up to Cambridge for a friend’s twenty-first birthday/costume party. Other friends from home also made the trip up. Despite the fact that 1) I did not sleep much at all that night because I was taking care of the Birthday Girl; and 2) I had to miss my train to return to Cambridge to pick up a book I had left at her place, I enjoyed myself. It had been a while since I stepped foot somewhere where I did not recognize 99% of the people.

Today, from 4:00-9:0o P.M., I had 5 consecutive, non-stop meetings, including conducting two interviews. This has left me incapacitated for the evening. Help?

Speaking of help, my thesis is in shambles. I cannot bring myself to focus on it. And, speaking of focusing, I am actually in the library right now attempting to craft some semblance of an argument. This is bad, isn’t it? I aim to get 10-20 pages of quality material by the end of this week. I have a feeling, though, that that’s not going to happen.

There is a constant feeling of pressure over my head, and I’m trying hard to not to bend under it. My academic schedule is challenging, my thesis is a huge question mark, and my extracurriculars are taking over every second of free time I have. That, coupled with the ubiquitous rush to apply for jobs, fellowships, scholarships has gotten me over my head.